32 After the Gaslight

It doesn’t happen all at once.

At first it’s just discomfort. Something feels off but you can’t name it. So you explain it away. Maybe you’re too sensitive. Maybe you misunderstood. Maybe if you just stay calm, stay patient, stay kind, it’ll make sense again.

But it doesn’t.

The confusion doesn’t lift. It grows heavier. You catch yourself rehearsing conversations before you have them. You start second-guessing your memory. You laugh when something hurts. You apologize when you're the one bleeding. You call it peace but it’s pretending.

And then quietly, almost imperceptibly, the disgust begins.

It doesn’t shout. It settles.

Not rage. Not revenge. Just a deep physical knowing that what you swallowed wasn’t medicine. It was poison. That the excuses, the twisted logic, the way love always came with a leash.

It didn’t feel right because it wasn’t.

At first you flinch from that recognition. Disgust is uncomfortable. It’s not polite. It makes you want to crawl out of your own skin and sometimes you do. You go back into denial, back into numbness. But it waits for you. And every time you circle back, it’s still there. Still true.

And maybe one day you stop trying to silence it.

You stop translating manipulation into miscommunication. You stop calling it loyalty when it’s actually self-abandonment. You let the revulsion stay long enough to speak. And what it says is this

You were never the problem. You were reacting to a problem.

The turn isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s just still. A private resolve. A silent no. A refusal to keep performing for others.

And the moment you stop gaslighting yourself, the world starts looking different. It doesn’t mean everything makes sense right away. But it means you’re finally facing it.

You don’t have to like what you see. You just have to stop pretending not to.

Because the disgust you feel? It’s not a failure of your spirit.

It’s your integrity, waking up.

And once you see it, you can’t unsee it. You just have to wait for the others to realize what their loyalty to it is costing them too.

Note: This post reflects personal experiences and insights. It is not intended as professional advice or to diagnose or treat any condition.

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